TW: strong emotions may arise from discussing heartbreak and abusive relationships
Heartbreak isn't fun. In fact, it may be one of the most painful things to go through. It often feels physical even- like your heart is literally being torn apart, such intense emotion that it almost creates a void emptiness where you know there was once something. Whether you're thinking "who hurt you" while reading that, or whether you're relating to it in the deepest way possible, this article is meant to help you figure out the past, present, and future of your romantic relationships (many of these things also work with friendships and family-ships, but this article was written specifically about romantic or sexual relationships).
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway.
-Kent M. Keith
Life is a flow. A flow of everything- knowledge, emotions, experience, good and bad, and love. Love will come and go. You have to be ready for that, and understand it's a part of life. Those happy moments will stick with you for your entire life as a reminder of what you can create and what you deserve, and those sad or mad moments will stick with you as lessons. A relationship being "destroyed" doesn't destroy the impact it had on your life, and that's something that should be cherished.
Let's start with an introduction to love; a word with so many different meanings, which are all interpreted in different ways by every single person. So how can you figure out what love means to you? Why does it matter, and what can you do with that information?
First of all, a book recommendation: All About Love by Bell Hooks. This is one of the many, many perspectives on love, and can help you decide your own definition of love and how it applies to yourself and others around you in today's society.
Second of all, a concept introduction: the 5 love languages, a book and concept developed by Gary Chapman. Here is an article about them (I wrote it:)), but the basic idea is that there are 5 ways people want to give and receive love:
Acts of service- doing something for someone (cooking, picking something up, etc)
Gift-giving- buying someone something (although its the thought, not the actual gift, that makes the person feel loved or makes them feel like they're giving love)
Physical touch- any sort of touch, with the person's consent and within their comfort zone of course (not necessarily sexual- hugs, high fives, massages, etc)
Quality time- time spent together where the attention is 100% directed at the other person (watching TV or being on your phone doesn't count, but conversations, getting dinner, going/doing anything together with the focus on each other counts)
Words of affirmation- compliments or validation (I love you, you look pretty today, you're doing a great job, etc)
Once you have understood these, you should do two things: 1) figure out what your primary and secondary love languages are, which can be different for what you want to give vs. what you want to receive (and you can take the quiz to find out here), and 2) figure out what your loved ones' love languages are. This will help you interact better with people close to you and learn to love better and in a more personalized way to each of the people around you, making all of you feel happier, more fulfilled, and more satisfied with your relationship.
Third of all, a completely different (yet related) point: sexual relationships
Situationships, friends with benefits, one-night stands, whatever you want to call it; it happens. And when it does, you need to be prepared for the effects it can have on you, both positive and negative. Sex isn't just a physical act; it's an exchange of energies and it's part of human nature, which means it HAS to be talked about more. That's one of my central aims on my Instagram account @noemie.ywp2021 (which was created and led with the help of my, and Jp's, job with the Young Women's Project in DC), where I strive to create a safe place for all individuals to learn and discuss sexual and mental health without judgment. In my first posts, I talk about the different emotional, mental, physical, and pleasurable aspects of sex, both positive and negative. I'd recommend checking those out in order to learn about all the ways in which sex can affect you (again, there are both positive and negative aspects although, hint, many are positive). I'd also recommend checking out this article I wrote about "The Collision of Mental Health and Intimacy" (on page 44-47 of the hyperlink), which talks about the ways that sex and mental health affect one another, both physically/biologically and also psychologically and emotionally.
Speaking of emotions!! Let's talk about one of the best ways to deal with heartbreak in the weeks during and after it happens.
We also have this emotion wheel in some other info packets, but we think it's applicable here too. Research shown in this article shows how identifying emotions is imperative to dealing with stress. Heartbreak creates some of the most intense waves of emotional tension and stress that are often indiscernible and hard to separate or identify. We challenge you to try anyways; focus on exactly what you're feeling, and then identify a general area (Sad, Bad, Angry, etc), then narrow it down to the second section, and then finally land on as many different specific adjectives as you need to describe how you're feeling. This alone will help you put your feelings into words, and give you a clearer understanding of what you're actually feeling, which is super helpful in overcoming it. The next step could, for example, be writing down all of those adjectives and thinking of all the possible reasons why you might feel each of those. Don't make excuses, or try to justify or rationalize them; just be honest and non-judgemental with yourself about why you're feeling those things. The last step would be to confront them. Either confront yourself about why you're feeling a certain way, or confront yourself on why you reacted a certain way to how you felt, or in certain cases it'd also be appropriate to confront the person that made you feel those things (in a calm and respectful way). This entire process NEEDS to be non-judgemental and fully honest in order to have a positive effect.
“Emotion, which is suffering, ceases to be suffering as soon as we form a clear and precise picture of it” (Frankl 74)
Another thing that this blog would be incomplete without is a mention of sexuality.
Sexuality is a huge part of how and who we learn to love and trust us, we know how confusing, frustrating, and flip-floppy it can be. Firstly, it's necessary to say that labels are not necessary- if you don't want to be restricted to a word, that's totally valid and understandable! It doesn't matter what you identify as, you're gonna love who you love and that's that. However, we also understand that labels can help certain people be more confident in their love for people, and it can help in terms of figuring out who you are and who you want to be.
So, that being said, one of the most important steps towards figuring out your sexuality is educating yourself about it and learning about the options. One of the ways you can start to do that is by reading an article I wrote titled "Misconceptions Surrounding Bisexuality" which is on pg 13-16 of the hyperlink. Also feel free to check out other parts of that magazine issue because it has a lot of really interesting, informative, and possibly relatable stories about people's experiences with sexuality.
I won't go into too much more detail on sexuality here but please subscribe to our email chain on the bottom of any page on our website, which will remind you to check out our blog post about sexuality when it is released :)
The Spectrum of Relationship Health:
This picture comes from loveisrespect.org, and I recommend exploring their website, no matter whether you're single, taken, or in a complicated situation.
If you're in a relationship and all you do is cry, you need to stop and ask yourself, are you dating a human or an onion?
-Karen Salmansohn (finally a Karen with something useful to say)
Example of a type of unhealthy/abusive relationship:
Certain abusive relationships could be compared to Villanelle and Eve's relationship in Killing Eve, a show on Hulu known for its lesbian implications and scenes. In the show, Villanelle is a psychopath (slightly debatable, but we'll assume it for the purpose of this comparison) and Eve is the detective trying to find her. Eventually, they develop a close personal relationship due to multiple encounters that just grow their curiosity and passion for each other. This develops to a point of obsession on both sides, where they both constantly crave the other's attention and approval, and they both yearn to know as much as possible about the other, no matter the cost, with basically no regard for anything else (in fact, Eve loses her job twice over it). Many abusive relationships in real life look a lot like this; two people who think they are (or actually are, depending on you meaning of love) in love with each other, and completely absorbed by each other. They spend every waking minute thinking of each other, always wanting to know what the other is doing or who they're with, wanting access to their social media and worrying about if they are good enough for them, hell-bent on getting any kind of approval or validation that they can manage from the other. They each think they can change the other to be exactly what/who they want them to be, which makes them ignore all the red flags because they think it's just "a part of the process" or that the person still has the potential to change. These relationships are often very passionate, with lots of ups and downs, breaking up and making up, and arguments and resolutions. When the storm has passed, the perception of a rainbow of peace always seems to make everything perfect again and seems so satisfying, when in reality it's a bandaid on broken glass. If you related to any of the above, that is a toxic and unhealthy, if not abusive, relationship. Please leave it as soon as you possibly can in whatever way feels safest to you, and if there doesn't seem to be a safe way to do so please call one of the Hotlines in our "Crisis Hotlines" blog and explain the situation, or tell a trusted adult about it who can help you out of the situation. It is so crucial, both for you and the other in the relationship, that you recognize the toxic patterns and find a way to break them, for good. Unfortunately, most of the time the only way to do that permanently is to break off the relationship. While this will most definitely cause heartbreak, know that it is for the best for both of you, that you will both learn from it and come out stronger and healthier individuals, and that it will be worth it.
I'd like to add that if you have experienced something like this, reading this article about why we develop the attachments we do could be very interesting to you, and you may learn a lot about yourself or connect things that you didn't connect about your past experiences, how they affect your current relationships, and what to be careful about.
Overall, use these resources as you would like, but keep this in mind; YOU are in charge of your emotions. YOU are in charge of your responses to certain events, and therefore YOU are the person you should be counting on to pull you out of the heartbreak hole you're in and get back to being a productive, happy, and healthy human being in the real world. YOU are able to do this, and we are just here to provide you with the resources and motivation you need to go out there and be your best self, contribute your best to your own and to others' lives, and to create amazing relationships with people all around you. Have fun :))
If you'd like to print out this info packet, the easiest way is to print this google doc! FYI: It doesn't have all the links and related info that are on the online versions: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1puP3MouYs0odP9xhoroqGA3jgHlClRrm1JxThuCXWfI/edit
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